Ruminations on Self
Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another.
: Toni Morrison
so i have been thinking lately, and just like the Talking Heads song says, "how did i get here?" For a long time i did what "felt right"; i'd just let my gut feeling guide me and let it take me in whatever direction--nothing to lose and whatever was to be gained would be waiting; and that got me far--deep into my mid 30s. And then one day things stopped feeling right; work was no longer satisfying; my personal life was lacking many of the elements that would make one happy; i realized that the so-called relationship i had been in for years didnt provide the elements that a relationship was supposed to provide; the support, the affection, the sense of "family" was lacking from it--there was familiarity and there was companionship and sexual intimacy, but other more fulfilling elements were missing; and I found myself lonely even in the company of this person with whom I shared so much of my time. And, what seemed as suddenly, I felt his neediness, his demands for my time; the drain on my emotions that followed caused the relationship to come to an end. I realized he was not providing what I needed; nor was I providing what he needed--in fact, I realized that we were so comfortable in the arrangement, that we assumed a lot and that led to disappointment and even resentment on both sides. Long story short, I {we?} outgrew the arrangement-- it was no longer what I {we?} needed and that led to a crisis of wanting family {read significant other} and the love and support that comes with it ... so that ended. Not only did it not feel right, it became destructive to the self. I had to move on.
Work too became unfulfilling. It no longer provided the intellectual and creative satisfaction one needs from a career and/or vocation. I knew that feeling. I had been a teacher for some time and felt the need to move on. And then again on this 3rd job the same crisis occurred. The huge difference is that I did not move on. The dissatisfaction gnawed at my sense of self, at my spirit even and I became disheartened overall. Not in a relationship and not in a satisfying job: Two major elements were missing--and are still missing-- basic building blocks for a satisfying life.
So i ask myself, how did i get here? How did I allow this to become my life? And I see that it was sheer inaction. While at one point I followed my gut and made things happen, in this latter part of my life I did nothing. I stayed in a job that was personally and professionally dissatisfying; working with people who instead of helping me grown, where doing the opposite. And i do not blame them, my gut told me to move but stayed still on both the work and romance front. And now I pay an exacting toll for that inaction: at the age I am, I find myself alone and unemployed.
Sure I have friends, some very good friends who I can count on and who look out for me and will lend a helping hand; and others, I have found much to my disappointment, who will do what requires no effort or commitment on their part--not entirely fair weather friends, but not friends I can count on. But it's all good. Life is a long learning experience. Everyday we learn something new. People can be the most challenging lessons, and not because of any fault of their own, but more because of our expectations--we want so badly to believe that people's good intentions will turn into tangible actions and, well, that is not always the case.
But back to how I got here. Well, yes, as you may have deduced, it was sheer inaction. I did not take responsibility for my happiness and satisfaction. I let the whims of destiny shape my life; and sometimes even expected others to take action--not me at all. Why? fear? lack of courage?
How did I get here? I got to a point in my life where even my body reacted, sometimes violently, against the unsatisfying and dissatisfying conditions that had become my life. And I have come to realize that the diagnosis that my body did not want to live, that I did not want to live, was not a desire to actually not live ... but more a desire to not live the life I was living. I could say it's because of how I grew up, the conditions I grew up in, but that would be such a sad excuse, such a sad justification. Yes, those conditions shaped how I learned to see the work, but I am a self aware individual and I have to move, if by force, past those negative, dysfunctional archetypes an paradigms.
I've come a long way since then, and even my body has changed and I feel and look healthier now than I did during those many years. It took time to get here, and effort; a lot of emotional and mental effort and the acceptance that I needed to look in deep and see what the heck was going on. The process started way back when things did not "feel right" any more, just that I was not conscious of it. And I couldn't have done alone. I think there were people placed on my path by destiny or desire to help me along the way; and the process continues. I'm haven't reached the goal, but this is definitely a better road than I've been in all these years ... and now I have to muster up the courage to move forward and face and fight the fears that I've been nurturing all these years.
: Toni Morrison
so i have been thinking lately, and just like the Talking Heads song says, "how did i get here?" For a long time i did what "felt right"; i'd just let my gut feeling guide me and let it take me in whatever direction--nothing to lose and whatever was to be gained would be waiting; and that got me far--deep into my mid 30s. And then one day things stopped feeling right; work was no longer satisfying; my personal life was lacking many of the elements that would make one happy; i realized that the so-called relationship i had been in for years didnt provide the elements that a relationship was supposed to provide; the support, the affection, the sense of "family" was lacking from it--there was familiarity and there was companionship and sexual intimacy, but other more fulfilling elements were missing; and I found myself lonely even in the company of this person with whom I shared so much of my time. And, what seemed as suddenly, I felt his neediness, his demands for my time; the drain on my emotions that followed caused the relationship to come to an end. I realized he was not providing what I needed; nor was I providing what he needed--in fact, I realized that we were so comfortable in the arrangement, that we assumed a lot and that led to disappointment and even resentment on both sides. Long story short, I {we?} outgrew the arrangement-- it was no longer what I {we?} needed and that led to a crisis of wanting family {read significant other} and the love and support that comes with it ... so that ended. Not only did it not feel right, it became destructive to the self. I had to move on.
Work too became unfulfilling. It no longer provided the intellectual and creative satisfaction one needs from a career and/or vocation. I knew that feeling. I had been a teacher for some time and felt the need to move on. And then again on this 3rd job the same crisis occurred. The huge difference is that I did not move on. The dissatisfaction gnawed at my sense of self, at my spirit even and I became disheartened overall. Not in a relationship and not in a satisfying job: Two major elements were missing--and are still missing-- basic building blocks for a satisfying life.
So i ask myself, how did i get here? How did I allow this to become my life? And I see that it was sheer inaction. While at one point I followed my gut and made things happen, in this latter part of my life I did nothing. I stayed in a job that was personally and professionally dissatisfying; working with people who instead of helping me grown, where doing the opposite. And i do not blame them, my gut told me to move but stayed still on both the work and romance front. And now I pay an exacting toll for that inaction: at the age I am, I find myself alone and unemployed.
Sure I have friends, some very good friends who I can count on and who look out for me and will lend a helping hand; and others, I have found much to my disappointment, who will do what requires no effort or commitment on their part--not entirely fair weather friends, but not friends I can count on. But it's all good. Life is a long learning experience. Everyday we learn something new. People can be the most challenging lessons, and not because of any fault of their own, but more because of our expectations--we want so badly to believe that people's good intentions will turn into tangible actions and, well, that is not always the case.
But back to how I got here. Well, yes, as you may have deduced, it was sheer inaction. I did not take responsibility for my happiness and satisfaction. I let the whims of destiny shape my life; and sometimes even expected others to take action--not me at all. Why? fear? lack of courage?
How did I get here? I got to a point in my life where even my body reacted, sometimes violently, against the unsatisfying and dissatisfying conditions that had become my life. And I have come to realize that the diagnosis that my body did not want to live, that I did not want to live, was not a desire to actually not live ... but more a desire to not live the life I was living. I could say it's because of how I grew up, the conditions I grew up in, but that would be such a sad excuse, such a sad justification. Yes, those conditions shaped how I learned to see the work, but I am a self aware individual and I have to move, if by force, past those negative, dysfunctional archetypes an paradigms.
I've come a long way since then, and even my body has changed and I feel and look healthier now than I did during those many years. It took time to get here, and effort; a lot of emotional and mental effort and the acceptance that I needed to look in deep and see what the heck was going on. The process started way back when things did not "feel right" any more, just that I was not conscious of it. And I couldn't have done alone. I think there were people placed on my path by destiny or desire to help me along the way; and the process continues. I'm haven't reached the goal, but this is definitely a better road than I've been in all these years ... and now I have to muster up the courage to move forward and face and fight the fears that I've been nurturing all these years.