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“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

this is really to express my gratitude and also an apology. i apologize for having hurt you so deeply; and though it may have even felt planned and wantonly, it wasn't. i was caught up in my own cloud of hurt to have thought about how my words and actions were affecting you or anyone, even close friends who made comments and protests. i can see how gross and disturbing our last conversation was--and a number of others before that. In the past my regret was more based on how crazy i appeared than about how you felt. There was really no understanding of what was going on... i was just blindly acting out some crazy tragedy i my head. But a couple of days after we last spoke something fell on me--literally felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on me and i understood--i understood most of all how you felt and i understood you and everything came full circle; and i understood you and your actions and my actions; and i understood my behavior; and i can't fathom reason or ju...

bits and pieces of a poem I girl wrote to her partner in one of my poetry classes... it made such an impact I remembered it all for a while ... now it;s just bits and pieces ... and probably inaccurate... I always imagined her lovely boyish body leaning against that of her lover's as she wrote this. poetry speaks for silences words that, through shyness or fear, remain unspoken. there are no silences here ... my poetry to you laughs inside the walls ... you do not always recognize it (my poetry to you) so familiar to your sleep, that it no longer disturbs your dreams.

it was just the silence, the silence humming in my brain the words felt like rain when you look at raindrops falling and all i could feel was something like a windy tunnel where there was no wind and the temperature changed to some sort of cold heat and I could not speak and I could not flee.

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. : Winston Churchill What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from. : T. S. Eliot If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story. : Orson Welles

Hi G***. Today's card roars in with a creative force, Divine purpose, and pure ecstatic fervor! The Ace of Wands is the essences Goddess Shakti in all her splendor! This card represents creation, beginning, fortune, and adventure. Your wildest dreams manifesting, the seeds are planted, taking root, and growing, growing, growing! The Hindu Goddess Shakti is responsible for creation, she is the embodiment of the primordial cosmic energy, She is the influx for change. She brings to you now along with the Ace of Wands, your highest Self in your purest form. She reminds you that you, too, have this power within you and you need only focus your attention. Get excited and let the balls start a rolling! The Ace of Wands as depicted here in from artist Paul Edwards shows a Goddess of creation, with her hair of fire. Fire is the energy of creation. She holds in her hand her wand and with it she can do anything! She moves with the flow of the universe, and never worries about the outc...

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. : Winston Churchill Nonno's Poem How calmly does the olive branch Observe the sky begin to blanch Without a cry, without a prayer With no betrayal of despair Some time while light obscures the tree The zenith of its life will be Gone past forever And from thence A second history will commence A chronicle no longer gold A bargaining with mist and mold And finally the broken stem The plummeting to earth, and then And intercourse not well designed For beings of a golden kind Whose native green must arch above The earth's obscene corrupting love And still the ripe fruit and the branch Observe the sky begin to blanch Without a cry, without a prayer With no betrayal of despair Oh courage! Could you not as well Select a second place to dwell Not only in that golden tree But in the frightened heart of me Night of the Iguana, by Tennessee Williams

Love is not just tolerance. It's not just distant appreciation. It's a warm sense of, 'I am enjoying the fact that you are you. :N. T. Wright The more one does and sees and feels, the more one is able to do, and the more genuine may be one's appreciation of fundamental things like home, and love, and understanding companionship. : Amelia Earhart We become wiser by adversity; prosperity destroys our appreciation of the right. :Lucius Annaeus Seneca  I had a connoisseur's... appreciation of fear.Peter Straub 

At times I write about things I can't write

" Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." --Carl Jung “ Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind . ” --Romans 12:2 Whether we like to or not we only have three alternatives: yesterday, the present and tomorrow. --Nicanor Parra  The other one, Borges , is the one to whom things happen . --"Borges and I", Jorge Luis Borges my path was bound by mirros; the spell of the mirros blinding me; selfish my steps, selfish my passions, selfish my motives ... my eyes fixed on this or that shadow; insensitive to the screams of the pain of others, I let myself be guided by the old scars--blind me, blinded by the shadow of this or that memory ... a prisoner in the darker recesses of my imagination, I didn't see the gifts laid before me ... while feeding fallacious resentments, I allowed anger to nurture my darker passions. Yet I don't know at what mome...

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people. There is no coming to consciousness without pain. A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them. Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.  Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

"Nothing is ever static--life changes, and people change--and learn"

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. : Lucius Annaeus Seneca I'm a romantic, and we romantics are more sensitive to the way people feel. We love more, and we hurt more. When we're hurt, we hurt for a long time. : Freddy Fender You want to fall in love with a shoe, go ahead. A shoe can't love you back, but, on the other hand, a shoe can't hurt you too deeply either. And there are so many nice-looking shoes. : Allan Sherman Our healing begins when we hurt after having realized the pain we have caused those we love. :

so there can be something gay about starbucks!! the kick of caffeine aside-- take the 8th and 16th chelsea starbucks location large display windows to look in and out of sitting by the windows, passersby will stand and fix their hair, makeup, check their teeth, their pecs, arms, etc and the boys will check out their own asses, or lack thereof, as they flash through the window reflections all while I sip my coffee, the momentary happiness of sugar and caffeine and the occasional eye-candy  muscle boys catwalk out of this or that gym bundles of testosterone and steroid supplements tightly wrapped in some fashionable red, blue, pink outfit purchased down the block's boutique-- the window affords them a captive audience (in and out, the muscle sipping coffee laptops, tablets, phablet, free wifi, connect charge, recharge the device--its juice's run out) and i, i just enjoy the furtive looks of some clean cut white gay boy who feels a guilty pleasure to be gawking ...

I don't want to go on being a root in the dark, insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep, going on down, into the moist guts of the earth, taking in and thinking, eating every day. --Walking Around, Pablo Neruda doing nothing has almost become the thing to do i walk around, think about this or that, i allow myself to be almost tired of the mutations, pieces of me falling apart wrapped in the shades and shadows of the others i tire of observing the bodies, large, short, heavy the walking dead that accompany me hard to picture those bodies full of liquids as solid, malleable, finite in their eternity filled with lights and darkness happiness, sadness, joy, pain, anguish ... all compact in a dimension beyond reach I allow myself to be, it's true, because i no longer want it i don't want to play this or that role of the young or old man, a man, a homosexual, a partner, lover, friend , companion, worker i tire of representations, repetitions, the in...

I don't want to go on being a root in the dark, insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep, going on down, into the moist guts of the earth, taking in and thinking, eating every day. --Walking Around, Pablo Neruda el ocio se ha convertido casi en mi anti-ocio camino, pienso, me dejo vivir, ya casi cansado de mutaciones, pedazos de mi ser se desmoronan en tinieblas ajenas me canso de observar los cuerpos largos, cortos, pesados cadaveres ambulantes que me acompañan difícil a veces pensar que en esos cuerpos llenos líquidos sólidos, maleables, finitos en su eternidad llevan por dentro luces, oscuridades alegría, tristeza, gozo, dolor y la angustia ... todo compacto en una dimensión inalcanzable me dejo vivir, es cierto, porque no quiero más no quiero hacer más el papel de esto o aquello de joven, viejo, hombre, homosexual, amante, amigo, compañero, trabajador me canso de las representaciones, de las repeticiones, del increíble tedio del reloj me canso ya de...

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. : Steve Jobs Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over. : Octavia Butler As long as we are persistence in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time. : Denis Waitley

Our intentions may be very good, but, because the intelligence is limited, the action may turn out to be a mistake - a mistake, but not necessarily a sin, for sin comes out of a wrong intention. : E. Stanley Jones  intention creates our reality. : Wayne Dyer A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer : .Lucius Annaeus Seneca

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. : George Bernard Shaw  Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself. : Mark Twain

"I think that sometimes love gets in the way of itself - you know, love interrupts itself. We want things so much that we sabotage them. : Jack White "I have a tendency to sabotage relationships; I have a tendency to sabotage everything. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of being afraid. Useless, good-for-nothing thoughts." : Michael Buble

Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness. : Shakti Gawain

Five of Cups ~ LossHi Gººº. The Five of Cups is about loss and how to cope with your feelings of sadness, sorrow and regret. Have you recently experienced a loss? Your loss could be great or small. Foreclosure of a loved property, divorce, losing a good friend... Simply put, things have not turned out as you had hoped. It can be painful and come as quite a shock when you lose someone or something. You may feel numb, shock, denial, anger, guilt, depressed, defeated... just to name a few. You have to feel everything that you are meant to feel. There really is no way around it, you just need to go through it.When we are hurting it can be very difficult to stop the flow of negative thoughts. Loss hurts and no matter how much we accept intellectually that we must go with the flow, if that flow separates us from what we love, our feelings say, ‘No!’. This is okay, its just part of the process. Try to question your negative thoughts: is this really true?What is interesting about the Five ...

It seems to me that the real clue to your sex-orientation lies in your romantic feelings rather than in your sexual feelings. If you are really gay, you are able to fall in love with a man, not just enjoy having sex with him.  Christopher Isherwoo

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. : Ambrose Bierce No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now. : Alan Watts

The Devil Hi G***. In today's card we find our Self looking deep within. The Devil is a card of feeling bounded, limitations, and checking in to see what fear and doubt may be standing in your way. The Devil can be a much misrepresented card in the tarot; however, it is a card of self-realization in its deepest sense. Looking in the mirror, often times we do not recognize the person looking back. Some of us may even be in a space of avoiding the mirror all together. This is a time when we are faced with choices, and as always that feeling of separation and doubt comes to surface. The Devil reminds us that we do, in fact, have a choice. Looking deep into this rendition of the card, we see a faceless image in the mirror. Who are you truly? How do you wish to align your Self? We have been taught ways to cover or numb our feelings of fear, the darkness that exist within us. We have come to think that the darkness is a bad thing, however, without the dark there can be n...

“There are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns. If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself. What we call chaos is just patterns we haven't recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can't decipher. what we can't understand we call nonsense. What we can't read we call gibberish. There is no free will. There are no variables.” ― Chuck Palahniuk , Survivor

so yeah, sometimes there is this little nagging voice {Spanish "little" -- often used as hyperbole} so this little voice just keeps nagging me with its "yes yes yes" and, well, add to that the voice of the body--not to mention the heart but reason and logic kick in and say, "look at the evidence before you" and the fantasy fades ... some understanding has been gained--or maybe just a perspective and ultimately, it is my happiness I have to seek some observations have been made by less than casual observers and I think, "yeah, fuck it, why not!!??" but it's hard to ignore and let go of evidence and experience and words spoken