a letter i wrote and never sent

this is really to express my gratitude and also an apology. i apologize for having hurt you so deeply; and though it may have even felt planned and wantonly, it wasn't. i was caught up in my own cloud of hurt to have thought about how my words and actions were affecting you or anyone, even close friends who made comments and protests. i can see how gross and disturbing our last conversation was--and a number of others before that. In the past my regret was more based on how crazy i appeared than about how you felt. There was really no understanding of what was going on... i was just blindly acting out some crazy tragedy i my head. But a couple of days after we last spoke something fell on me--literally felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on me and i understood--i understood most of all how you felt and i understood you and everything came full circle; and i understood you and your actions and my actions; and i understood my behavior; and i can't fathom reason or justification for me saying what i said and behaving as i did toward you or any of my friends; for taking your generosity and kindness and trying to turn it into something toxic or unhealthy or dysfunctional; for taking your gentleness and affection and treating with disdain---not understanding it as genuine love but as a selfish motive ... and worse of all, not understanding that my actions were hurting you ...
i don't know why or how i understand that now, but I deeply apologize for hurting you ... I admire how you stood strong for so long --- and i have learned from you so many thing. You coming into my life has been a real blessing and you have made me into a vastly better person than i would otherwise be.

man, in truth, that was not at all how i feel about you. those actions were misdirected at you; not having understood love, i always expected the blade to fall--and you have shown me otherwise. 
In truth, you have become one of the most important people in my life, and will always be even if you and i never talk to each other again--your presence in my life always made me feel secure and was a source of strength ... as a friend and as a man, i love you more than you will even imagine--and that was or has been my biggest fear; and i'm hurting deeply knowing how much i've hurt you.