Hmm, Decisions Indecisions ...
so I have been struggling with some questions, although struggling sounds more dramatic ... I think the best way to describe it is avoiding some decisions ... some meditation has granted me some insight ... and it's funny how the insight comes ... in the middle of cooking, almost randomly, so smoothly comes this thought ... "sabotage" ... " self-sabotage" ... I've heard it often before and have even used it myself not quite knowing what it truly means ... it's quite complex and even fascinating how the mind plays tricks on us infusing fears and false sense of "intuition" (some interesting links below) ... so back to my big little problem ... at this point the trick is discerning the difference between intuition and the anxiety {fears} of self-sabotage---which can often lead to seeking comfort in old, destructive patterns of behavior, including falling back on unfulfilling entanglements with people who are at best holding us back or distracting us from finding what we want and need and desire; anger both internalized and targeted at others; isolating behaviors,avoidance of intimacy; disengaging; obsessing on destructive memories; relying on defense mechanisms that work when we were helpless children but that no longer suit us as adults in full control of our life and behaviors ... and the list goes on ... anything to avoid the challenge that lies ahead ... and then dealing with the sense of shame and failure from not having met the challenge head on ...