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so i once read this Russian tale somewhere ... i think it was Russian .. if not, please free to correct me and the facts here exposed ... so there was this guy in the market place in somewhere in a Moscow. He was going about his business when he noticed Death following him. he got very disturbed and fear overtook him so he ran to the train station and bought a train ticket to the farthest part of Russia, as far away from Moscow as possible; he was so afraid that Death would take him. it was a long, treacherous and cold journey. when he arrived at his destination, Death was waiting for him. on the way to the hereafter, Death said to the man "you know, when I saw you at the market place in Moscow, I didn't think you would be here at this time for me to take you."

Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another. : Thomas Merton As long as we are persistence in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time. : Denis Waitley The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny. : Albert Ellis A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. : Jean de La Fontaine

maybe one day i will have the opportunity to say thank you to you in a meaningful way ... but, in the mean time, i will practice at what i would want to say ... i would say thank you for opening my eyes to a whole new world ... for showing me generosity ... and for allowing yourself to be vulnerable time and again ... and for being gentle ... and for not letting my walls keep you away ... and maybe one day these words will

sometimes i let my fantasies run amok ... i even fantasize that my fantasies have come true ... yes, i know, it's not good to live in your head ... it's like some sort of mental masturbation ... but there is something to be said about it ... fantasizing has it's place ... just like play for children, we can get to play out what we want, or think we want, need, desire ... and i fantasize about having this or that experience ... wonder what it would be to be like this or like that ... and slowly i think, we change

sometimes and more than sometimes sometimes i find myself thinking about you and not about anything in particular, really just more feeling your presence {missing you more than ...} in some corner of my heart you've made your own and i think, and sometimes disappointment at some memory, some thought, some sensation sometimes i let these thoughts run amok clear markers here and there some words said unsaid half said mis-said some moments in time that linger i've chosen forgiveness and forgetfulness now that the fear has dissipated and enter through some new door  that opens {feeling things are incomplete} understanding you've never felt as i did but like i said before, you've etched a place in my heart now and part of your essence is now me

i'm more than this body that goes about its daily life of body more than the parts or the sum of ... not a memory or a word or a gesture and i'm definitely more, much more than the distance between you and this me

love loveless loving lust one might just ask one might just ask what is it that this is all about? one might but it would be pointless some will say happiness others will say love but really, what is the question that one might ask? one could say it's regards or affection or like or need (read neediness for some) or fear--well, yeah, fear and no one wants to be lonely alone is good sometimes but never lonely and what can one ask ask about longings but expect no answers it's easier to just be

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits. : Hannah More The more you trust your intuition, the more empowered you become, the stronger you become, and the happier you become. : Gisele Bundchen Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement. : Golda Meir Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish. : Barbara Smith

According to Wikipedia, the terms refers to "Any sort of difference between the two parties that either, cannot be changed or, the individual does not want to change, can be considered irreconcilable differences. Some states use the terms irremediable breakdown, irretrievable breakdown, or incompatibility. However, in some states the official ground is irreconcilable differences or one of the other "I" grounds, but then the state's statutory definition of that term may include a waiting period or a mutual-consent requirement." so, a guy I care very much about recently told me that we had irreconcilable differences ... which I did not not really understand so I had to look up the term ... someone  else who is very insightful told me that this guy said that out of fear ... fear that we had irreconcilable differences and not that we actually did ... I am still not clear on what he meant .. he just threw out the term as if they were someone elese's words and ...

i don't have the words to draw the feeling not one or many can describe it i can provide an analogy-- but even then but i can try--that's all when you look far, far away in the distance and you see a desert and in that desert a deep deep canyon and there's no air to sustain you

“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.” : Stacey Charter “Men are respectable only as they respect” : Ralph Waldo Emerson

so, i have been observing that in some circles, the way to achieve closeness and intimacy is through sex ... people who can't achieve closeness or can't let their walls down unless they fuck ... or they have to fuck all their friends ... even the ugly ones ... LOL what's that all about? am I missing something or is this just how gay men are? i'm not a prude or against having casual sex, just seems to me that we should maintain some boundaries and some integrity in our relationships ... guess i'm too old fashion!

so someone recently challenged me about emotional intelligence ... which was a fair challenge ... and yes, i admit i sometimes let my emotions get the better of me, but i do prefer to experience the emotion and let it go, than to hold it in and pretend i have no emotions or that everything is always honky dory ... anyways, so i though a little more about emotional intelligence and i thought that someone who can experience emotions and let them go is in a better place than someone who tries to control them and holds them in ... i imagine that would cause constipation, both physical and emotional ... and must make one very, very tired ... emotions hold and consume a lot of energy ... the other part of EI, is that ability to make the right choices, the courage to make the changes we need in our life to bring happiness and fulfillment and help us to connect with others in a meaningful way ... we need to have the emotional strength to make the choices that are best for us and not allow ou...

Two of Wands This card represents a cleaning of house, and attainment of goals and needs, personal power, and the creative process in full force. You are feeling your strength and testing to see how far you can go. The veil of limitations has been lifted and you have remembered that the possibilities are endless. The two of wands is your confirmation that you are the sun and can shine as bright as you chose. Your hold the entire world in your hands. What will you create? The wands suit represents the element of fire. It signifies enterprise, growth, invention, energy, and glory. The wands relate to the intuitive voice within you, they remind of the powerful energies which you have access to wield as you chose. They also advise the use of willpower and to keep yourself protected. Wands are staffs of commandment and they hold much authority. Be sure to temper with love, compassion, and wisdom. Fire also speaks to growth of self, remembering who you truly are. Twos...

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. : Eleanor Roosevelt There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. : Denis Waitley I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime. : Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer. : Denis Waitley There is trust in there being a Spirit who loves me and wants me to have love in my life. I trust in this higher power, it is what keeps me moving forward no matter what happens. : Kenny Loggins

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting.” Buddha “So many fail because they don't get started - they don't go. They don't overcome inertia. They don't begin.” W. Clement Stone “The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

i found it very poignant, both sad and comical ... playing Russian roulette with your dick and/or ass http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=15771.0

so, I've contemplating so many things ... the whys and hows are always hard to recapture ... and ultimately unimportant ... it's where i am and where i want to go that matters to me now ... and who will come with me in this journey -- or who will take me along can also be ... i feel that now i've been shown the way ... the messenger was, well, a rather interesting choice ... but again, an unimportant detail ... the words even were unimportant ... it was more the map that was drawn ... now to start the walk ... i realize i've known what it is i need to do all along, but have been too afraid or maybe just too insecure ... too unsure that this is where i'm supposed to be to start to go where i need to go .. that everything has been working to this point for the last few months ... and that i have been busily drafting this path, day and night ... that's it's never been about this or that person or situation ... that everyone of those instances was a block paving...

so now I understand a little more ... well, I have always know the echoes clamoring constantly -- the words not quite tangibles remote but the veil has been lifted ... and the hide and seek game comes to an abrupt end there was really nothing to hide from, or with--as it turns out it was all there all along, visible, throbbing, loud like some corpse that people can't help but stare at but so i was saying ... there is nothing to hide away in, to, for, from except the words that were used to--nifty little things that can create or destroy even more severe than a weapon so easy then it can be, or can it be as easy ... we shall see--this is only the starting point

 “If you don't receive love from the ones who are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it.” ― Robert Goolrick, The End of the World as We Know It: Scenes from a Life I honestly don't what to make of this ... "“First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world...

so I was going to write something ... and maybe I should because it will be my experience ... but someone already wrote the though in a much more elegant way than I could hope for ... What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode? --Langston Hughes

The regrets of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow can kill you. : Liza Minnelli

thank you might be the word gratitude for this or that gesture or word understanding that in the overal scheme, the words on the page mean nothing; that in the end the question might be "why did you run away from love?" or "why were you not who you wanted to be" or "why was fear the decision maker?" or better yet, "why did you let others and your own other manage your heart and soul?" I know, easier to write that to execute. Sometimes we lose out in our own race against ourselves, momentarily, anyway, Ultimately we hold the steering wheel ... ah, but there is the body and it's wants, weaknesses and desires. And that is not a judgement, it simply is what it is ... And we can build a castle in the air or on the ground and make that our home, as always, the choice is ours-- and we do know that castles int he air will fall ... the sooner the better, one hopes. But as I was saying, it is gratitude that I want to feed at this ...

Do not keep on with a mockery of friendship after the substance is gone - but part, while you can part friends. Bury the carcass of friendship: it is not worth embalming. : William Hazlitt My "fear" is my substance, and probably the best part of me. : Franz Kafka

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye .  : Le Petit Prince (1943) by Antoine de Saint Exupéry  so often the heart is saying something, yelling it to the point it deafens ... but our eyes see quite the contrary time and again ... when such instances happen, trust and faith are tested ... and fear can grow very deep roots ... distrust and disappointment too

  the sub bottom and his guido cock words and words and nothing else ...ultimately, the cock has the power ... everything else is just blah blah blah He talks about his plans He talks about his dreams When the cock is placed before him He swallows the cock and forgets everything!

if it is true that i must prove that i but i have realized that i it's more than want and then understand the words were and that it is hard to be and let it happen without thought the choice is Because it can't be other

Our life is composed greatly from dreams, from the unconscious, and they must be brought into connection with action. They must be woven together. : Anais Nin

Lust is temporary, romance can be nice, but love is the most important thing of all. Because without love, lust and romance will always be short-lived. : Danielle Steel often i, well ... you sometimes often is more than eyes or mouth and face always the body more plus lips more heart and heart and my body wanting this or that of you my mind is more because you are your heart mine is yours too

I don't think that you can fake warmth. You can fake lust, jealousy, anger; those are all quite easy. But actual, genuine warmth? I don't think you can fake it. : Keira Knightley It is love rather than sexual lust or unbridled sexuality if, in addition to the need or want involved, there is also some impulse to give pleasure to the persons thus loved and not merely to use them for our own selfish pleasure. : Mortimer Adler

The worst mistake of first contact, made throughout history by individuals on both sides of every new encounter, has been the unfortunate habit of making assumptions. It often proved fatal. : David Brin What a man believes may be ascertained, not from his creed, but from the assumptions on which he habitually acts. : George Bernard Shaw

One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest. : Maya Angelou

there are instances where desires awaken images force their way into the mind, imposing visions that bring you to the mind's eye, and I find myself imprisoned by thoughts of you-- helpless against my desires: suddenly I crave your lips; thoughts of your body excite me; and I envision every curve of your body and my blood fills it all and my hands want to touch you and my mouth wants to taste you and my passions are slaves to thoughts of you-- pleasures released imagining you mine

You shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? : Mathew 7:16   "Ye shall know them by their fruits - the proper test of their character. People do not judge of a tree by its leaves, or bark, or flowers, but by the fruit which it bears. The flowers may be beautiful and fragrant, the foliage thick and green; but these are merely ornamental. It is the "fruit," or the action, that is of chief service to man; and he forms his opinion of the nature and value of the tree by that fruit. So of pretensions to spirituality. The profession may be fair; but the "conduct" - the fruit - is to determine the application of the principles."

hay momentos, momentos que despiertan el deseo imágenes allanan la mente, se imponen y me encuentro preso en visiones tuyas y de pronto tus labios me apetecen tu cuerpo me emociona y mi imaginación recorre las curvas de tu cuerpo y mi sangre lo llena todo y mis manos desean tocarte mientras mis labios de devoran así de repente eres tú el dueño de mis pasiones ... y suelto mis placeres imaginándote mío

so I have been struggling with some questions, although struggling sounds more dramatic ... I think the best way to describe it is avoiding some decisions ... some meditation has granted me some insight ... and it's funny how the insight comes ... in the middle of cooking, almost randomly, so smoothly comes this thought ... "sabotage" ... " self-sabotage" ... I've heard it often before and have even used it myself not quite knowing what it truly means ... it's quite complex and even fascinating how the mind plays tricks on us infusing fears and false sense of "intuition" (some interesting links below) ... so back to my big little problem ... at this point the trick is discerning the difference between intuition and the anxiety {fears} of self-sabotage---which can often lead to seeking comfort in old, destructive patterns of behavior, including falling back on unfulfilling entanglements with people who are at best holding us back or distracting ...

P eople are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.   Forgive them anyway.             I f you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.              I f you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.              I f you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.             W hat you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.              I f you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous....

so i asked for a dream and got a dream ... blue skies and paintings of sacred images, many paintings various friends along the way walking me through the maze of images many, many questions in my mind, explanations of the symbols  everything so foreign and surreal -- after all, a dream-- in my heart the sense i was in pursuit of a lie, that the answer was elsewhere, at the point of departure and had been waiting for me there was no need to have traveled  to find it.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  : Anatole France The changes in our life must come from the impossibility to live otherwise than according to the demands of our conscience not from our mental resolution to try a new form of life.  : Leo Tolstoy to move one step, uproot the rest, the bleeding heart the melancholy yearning of what could have been hurts the most the swift chop of the blade, the last conversation about--well, does it really matter? no more periods, comas, ellipsis, semi-colons,  why?  all fades away eventually, as much as it may feel like, write it! a disaster (a line I stole from somewhere)  and the worse, the worse of all  is to feel my heart has let me down by being wrong, misguided. someone recently told me "you said the truth. let the he who wants it, take it -- or not. It is inevitably th...

sometimes too things burst, explode, end ... sometimes, just maybe sometimes, the end must come before the beginning and the word must become silence

... so yes, I am a fool at heart ... or just plain foolhardy ... Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit. : Khalil Gibran Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. : Zora Neale Hurston The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. : Jiddu Krishnamurti

The spirit is willing, but the flesh weakens ...  it's a precarious balance we have to manage ... the struggle between mind, heart, body ... and having the courage and discipline to focus on the goal, but still enjoy the pleasures life offers ... and most important, to have the valor needed to make the choice that is beneficial for us and bypass destructive temptations ...

sometimes it feels like too much, much too much so much so the heart will burst sometimes just enough sometimes remembrances, maybe even fantasies but mostly this thing wedged in my heart.