Reminiscences

sometimes i allow myself the pleasure of getting lost in reminiscing ... lately i've been thinking about myself, remembering my desires, dreams, hopes and fantasies ... the things that once upon a time I desired, some which i still hope to have ... i remember as a kid my idea of my home--already aware i was gay, i didn't know what my home world would look like; after all, i would not have a wife or kids of my own ... but i did fantasize about my companion, my partner ... in my innocence, i imagined him smart--he would know about everything ... i imagined him as a good person--he would do good things and people appreciated him for it ... and i imagined he would be handsome and would have bright eyes and a smell that i liked -- at that time i liked the smell of apples and almonds {you may laugh, my gentle readers}... of course, in my innocent fantasy i did not think about body or sex ... and anyway, at that time there was no one around me who resembled my fantasy--not my friend Juan Carlos who i enjoyed watching when he played soccer, nor Alvarito, my playmate, whose green eyes and chattiness i liked--we would lay back on the garden and he would tell me stories ... not Beto whose buttocks always sparked my libido when we play wrestled ... not even blond Adam who was my first crush ... you see, none of them seemed smart enough ... it was an adult who possessed all the qualities i was looking for ... he was my grandfather's assistant and looked like a TV star ... he was gentle and friendly and generous and always smiling and everyone admired his intelligence and good attitude ... i would look at him almost in awe and i imagined that my partner would be like that, that someday i would meet someone like him, we would be grown, of course, and we would become a couple--we would kiss, and hug, and get naked together--that's as far as my fantasy went back then {ha ha ha} ... such was my innocence to think it would be that easy