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"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation." : Rainer Maria Rilke

Plant the seed of desire in your mind and it forms a nucleus with power to attract to itself everything needed for its fulfillment. : Robert Collier

"Always be mindful of the kindness and not the faults of others." : Buddha

Life is Short "Stop wasting time with the wrong people, those who don't contribute to your happiness. If someone truly values you and wants you in their life, they will make you part of it--you won't have to fight for their attention. Never remain around people who consistently set you aside for something else. And remember to be thankful for those people who stick around even during the hard times."

Considering that the blessed life we so long for consists in an intimate and true love of Our Creator, which binds and obliges us all to a sincere love. : Ignatius Loyola True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart. : Honoré de Balzac 

there are times when I... my heart defies logic and I long for things I know not to long for confusion sets, and sometimes anger, mostly frustration-- to long for the illogical is setting oneself for sorrow! why can't I control the heart? -- foolish question, I know perhaps acceptance of the thing will neutralize it running away from it clearly does not work, as does not sublimation perhaps facing it, looking at it, accepting it-- saying ok, yeah, you're there, I see you ... and through that exercise, the thing loses its power. in the very least I have to forgive in order to be able to forget-- forgive mostly myself for nurturing this absurd ... others I've forgiven already--anger now turned toward me-- I have to be ok with the anger, and have to forgive myself for having false expectation, faulty I should say I want to say illogical, but matters of the heart defy logic-- impractical I should say, all evidence to the contrary--well, just having had any ... ...

Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet. : Plato

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. : Steve Jobs

"Sex without love is merely healthy exercise." ~ Robert A. Heinlein so the FWB seems so popular that I have been considering it ... have some potentials who would be cool with it and are sexually appealing and compatible and fun and I know I would never get emotionally attached and I don't think they would either ... but I have been down this muddy road before--two recently lost friendships because I was not showing signs of emotional attraction!!! ... but still, I say to myself, in the absence of anything, this may be a good palliative for my horniness ...  but then I read stuff online ( http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2011/07/6-reasons-friends-with-benefit.html ) and I'm like, humm, should I step into the murky waters? my last long term FWB ended up kicking me while walking down 6th ave ... not a good ending to the harmless fun we once had--and on top of that I wasted my 8 good dating years with a guy who was sexy and sexual, but not partner m...

It isn't until you come to a spiritual understanding of who you are - not necessarily a religious feeling, but deep down, the spirit within - that you can begin to take control. : Oprah Winfrey

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.  : James A. Baldwin

Two nights ago I had the sweetest dream ... I had gone back to my hometown to introduce my significant other to family and friends -- let's call him X ... it was a bright, colorful sunny day ... and X and I were very comfortable with our surroundings as were the people around us ... the dream continued the following night and X and I were on an elevator where he felt compelled to lounge toward me, hug and kiss me ... and I mention this because X seemed otherwise shy ... I'll take this as a good omen of what is to come ...

"It is my feeling that Time ripens all things; with Time all things are revealed; Time is the father of Truth." : Francois Rabelais

in fear, wandering, wondering, wanting longing, desiring rejecting, denying confused, misunderstanding self lust in lieu of loving re-weaving old patterns settling, accepting, ignoring hiding, fading running, running, running drowning in retrospect, regretting!

inevitable: "in vita able" control: "contra all" {against ... } respect: "res expect" passion: "pas action" {before action} sympathy: "same path" {together in ... } partner: "part of another" destiny: "des tino" {complete insight} expectation: "expect action"

When this one guy said this I was like hmmm "I like this guy" "It's all about energy and chemistry. I'm very sexual and I love sex, but it doesn't control me. I only like to have sex if I feel a connection of some sort, otherwise it's just not worth it to me..."

"If it seems a childish thing to do, do it in remembrance that you were a child." : Frederick Buechner And the question ... "Why harbor fear of what I once desired as the ideal?"

sometimes i allow myself the pleasure of getting lost in reminiscing ... lately i've been thinking about myself, remembering my desires, dreams, hopes and fantasies ... the things that once upon a time I desired, some which i still hope to have ... i remember as a kid my idea of my home--already aware i was gay, i didn't know what my home world would look like; after all, i would not have a wife or kids of my own ... but i did fantasize about my companion, my partner ... in my innocence, i imagined him smart--he would know about everything ... i imagined him as a good person--he would do good things and people appreciated him for it ... and i imagined he would be handsome and would have bright eyes and a smell that i liked -- at that time i liked the smell of apples and almonds {you may laugh, my gentle readers}... of course, in my innocent fantasy i did not think about body or sex ... and anyway, at that time there was no one around me who resembled my fantasy--not my friend J...

"May no fate willfully misunderstand me And half grant what I wish and snatch me away Not to return. Earth's the right place for love: I don't know where it's likely to go better. .  : Birches, Robert Frost  Sometimes I don't want to think, or do or be as this essence; I want to be more, lighter, brighter, freer. Sometimes this body is too heavy, this world too solid The feet too firm against the ground, the body too needy. Sometimes desire means too much, longings too strong Words too real, the imagination glutted. Sometimes the journey means too much, the destination blurred.

a veces me doy el gusto de permitirme perderme en reminiscencias ... últimamente he estado pensando en mí, recordando mis deseos, mis sueños, fantasías e ilusiones ... las cosas que algún día pasado quise tener, algunas que todavía quiero y espero ... recuerdo de niño lo que yo quería como hogar -- y sabiéndome  homosexual, no sabía qué mundo hogareño crear ya estando consciente que no tendría esposa ni tendría mis propios hijos ... pero si pensaba en mi compañero, mi pareja ... en mi inocencia, lo imaginaba inteligente--que sabía de todo ... lo imaginaba bueno-- que hacia buenas cosas y la gente lo apreciaba ... y lo imaginaba guapo y con ojos brillantes y con olor que me gustaría-- en ese entonces mis olores favoritos eran el olor a manzanas y a almendras (sí, pueden reírse mis queridos lectores!) ... claro, en mi inocente fantasía no pensaba ni en cuerpo ni tanto en sexo ... y en ese entonces nadie que yo conocía se parecía a él -- ni mi amigo Juan Carlos al que me gustaba ver j...

Without passion you don't have energy, without energy you have nothing. : Donald Trump

“Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.”  : Oprah Winfrey

My ideal is to meet someone with good energy ... someone whose energy just takes over me and awakens  my energy when I'm around him, and I feel like our energies blend and it makes me feel fucking great and makes me want to touch feel kiss fuck that person... and I'm not talking about sexual energy or sex appeal--those can be a dime a dozen--but a deeper energy connection ... a feeling that me and this person are connected beyond the physical, that our energies compliment -- his energy feeds mine and mine his-- that coupled with a mental connection where I sense the person-- that is fucking awesome -- {and I don't normally use the word awesome--but it's the best fit here} --to find someone that can create that level of energy and connection, that for me would be romance -- that level of energy can only be generated by the pure passion of the spirit  ... that would be the energy that feeds love To find that and then have the courage to nurture it -- I guess that is ...

So lately i've been looking at myself and wondering why am i still single... i want a partner but somehow keep attracting the wrong people ... mostly i attract guys who see me as some one to fulfill a fantasy ... a top to fuck them rough, or role play rape or some other similar scene ... and that's cool for sex play ... but if i want more, try to shift gears to something more affectionate, then they run!!! The other group are these that see me as the fallback guy ... when they feel unhappy or ignored or unfulfilled with the person they have chosen, they want to play out with me some sort of infantile romantic fantasy ... basically some intermission entertainment until their dysfunctional play starts again ... once their butt-hole master calls them back, they disappear--all plans forgotten; then they wonder why I show very little interest in their plans regardless of how enthusiast they may appear ... of course, they go off wondering why i ignored their romantic overtures or t...

why can't gay guys find courage for love and instead settle for comfortable fuck sessions? why can't gay guys make commitments? why can't bottom gay guys be like guys too when it comes to romance? why do gay bottoms wait to be seduced as if they were helpless maidens and won't make the first move? why do gay guys like to play the male/female roles when it come to love and romance? why do gay guys get stuck in sexual fetishism and can't get off unless they play some elaborate fantasy (with bottoms usually getting raped or replaying some childhood abuse)? why can't gay guys release negative sexual patterns they learned childhood and insist on reliving them, even when it's to their own detriment? I guess I will never understand ... And will have to engage in the dysfunctional game if I am to find someone ...

The opposite for courage is not cowardice, it is conformity. Even a dead fish can go with the flow .  : Jim Hightowe r Courage and will power ... just words ... fear and conformity seem to trump  ... it's much easier to just let things happen than to take a chance and make an effort to achieve what we want ... many just let others decide for them by their sheer inaction ... they wait around around for others to decide where, when and what to do ... this goes for everything in their lives ... from social engagements, to sex, to romance--if that can be called romance ... I recently met a long time friend who has been with someone for 10 years!!!! There was never any love or romance, but he settled for the familiarity and the routine -- and now he finds himself with a person that he just feels a certain affection for and realizes he may have stayed because he would have felt guilty leaving the guy ... the sex that was occasionally good is now nothing more than routine: "We o...

so, i'm going to take a different approach with this exercise ... i question the feelings of someone who from one day to next portrays different feelings: one day interest, the next day disinterest -- one day engaged, the next distant -- one day personal, the next less so...  fine if that is how the individual wants to conduct himself .. but this does have an impact on how others will react ... I personally take a distant approach with such individuals ... their inconsistent behavior affects me negatively if i am engaged ... it's hard to always have to re-start and then the next time realize that the effort put the previous time is gone and now start again  ... so i disengage! and i will entertain their interlocution but remain emotionally aloof ... i cannot get on the roller coaster ride -- more so if i have an emotional tie to this person ...

“ The greatest irony of life is loving the right person at the wrong time, or being with the wrong person when the time is right for love, or finding out you loved someone after that person walks out of your life or has given up ... For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love; some love is always present--but passion is lacking ... Most often we want to fall in love with the person we think we should love only to discover that it was just a past time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. Here’s a piece of advice: if you're looking for love, let go when you know it's not working, give up when there is no loving passion or passionate love ... There is someone out there who will love you as you love them and want to be loved ... surely then, you will know true love. ”

We have all been insulted, put down at one point of our lives. But what is the effect when its someone very close to you? a partner is supposed to be a person that supports your dreams and eases your fears, bring you up when you feel down and such.  With physical abuse, you can see the pain. The deeper the bruises, the harder the pain that was inflicted, but verbal abuse is much more violent and hurtful. How is that you ask? because the mentally pain last much longer, from months to years and it can slowly tear apart at your phyche. Is more hurtful because it cannot be seen by the naked eye, therefore its less likely to be remedied. And once the soul is hurt, everything crumbles.   Go here to read more

Sometimes the body aches for another Not just any, but that one we desire most And the hands want to touch him And the nose wants to feel his scent And every inch of our body wants to penetrate his warmth And the mouth wants to taste his essence And the eyes want to behold every inch of him And I ache to thrust our body against his And make his pleasure my pleasure And dive into the forest of his eyes And touch his soul

Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth. : Marcus Aurelius

so i'm reading this book that talks about lessons ... the lessons we're meant to learn in this life and the people we choose to be around--how those people are instrumental in us learning lessons --whether it's that they are further ahead in the process and will teach us something; or they are far behind and because of their behaviors toward us, we will learn something--even if it is to take control and have the courage to confront them, or their behavior toward us will help us realize negative traits in ourselves (fear to speak up, fear to be alone, attachment to negative patterns) and will prompt us to change... when the latter is the case, once we learn the lesson we will most likely leave those people behind--we will realize we have outgrown them once we "wake up"... and then there are people who are in our lives to prompt us to be courageous, their presence in our life is edifying, they help us grow by example, they push our limits, they help us open up and ...

So, to continue my observation on the topic ... one of the uses of the cock addict is his bank account ... you keep him happy with cock, and he will finance your needs, little trips here and there, loans that you may never pay back, etc... their desire for your cock will keep them compliant and they will happily open their wallet ... ( bottoms are not wired like the rest of us!! They are wired to be controlled by their butthole--that is their command center and once you get them addicted, you have them for life ) I have observed relationships that are quite dysfunctional and even toxic, but the bottom will hang on to his cock and the top will make sure his bottom is happy as long as he gets that cash ... if necessary, the top will go out and get other tops for that occasional gang-bang ... his bottom has to be kept happy ... I've even experienced this nice side benefit myself where a sweet bottom is willing to finance my purchases ... I don't have to ask-he will offer all on hi...

I hear that everything that has a beginning has an end, what goes up, must come down, etc ... but what if a force, an energy just persists? then what does one do? let it burn endlessly? stifle it until it festers? how does one escape it? can one escape it? And how does one classify such a thing? and why won't it end despite all effort at killing it, ignoring it, destroying it, sublimating it, burning it out, opposing it with terribly evil thoughts, even sabotaging it ... ???  When it doesn't perish and one can't seem to destroy it, and the force seems to gain strength the more energy spent on its demise, then what does one do? does one succumb to it? does one let it run its course to its {il}logical conclusion?

and so I've been exploring ways to manage thoughts, emotions; to let go of things, practice forgiveness, release fears, release resentments, let go of anger, speak honestly and with humility and compassion ... it's all work, effort, conscious effort ... especially to manage our thoughts and measure expression -- particularly the expression of thoughts that can generate negative energy ... but in this effort, I find that I also have to be careful not to numb feelings, emotions in the road toward self improvement ... there is a difference between letting go and saying "fuck it, it will work out" and becoming indifferent, dispassionate  ... we have to have passion in our life; passion for our interests, passion for our work, passion with friends, passion with lovers, sexual passion  ... anything less and we're cheating ourselves out of a fulfilling emotional life ... 

love longing passion longing desire fear desire courage want courage intuition action intuition courage desire passion longing love

M. Gandhi was asked what factors negatively impact the human spirit. He responded: "Politics without principles, pleasure without commitment, wealth without responsibility, business without ethics, science without humanity, prayer without charity ... Life has taught me that people are pleasant if i am pleasant;that people are sad if i am sad; that people love me if i love them; that everyone is evil toward me if i hate them ... life is like a mirror ... the attitude i take toward life is what i get in return."

I long to get lost in the contours of your body Discover the landscape of your desires I long to get lost in your senses Rediscover the pleasure of being a man I long to taste the essence that is you Take from your lips that passion that dwells within

the eyes don't know how to see as the heart sees ... the mind can't know as the heart knows ... the ears can't hear as the heart hears ... the hands cannot give what the heart gives ...

Ok ... Yes!  

yeah, i gotta go, go go go and not too far, but go awayyyyy i must in mind and spirit and body to help me navigate this world of men but i do have to go, go go leave regrets behind and disappointments burning and along the way-- the road ahead is long -- i hope to find a traveling mate  who can love in the many ways that love can be-- with body, mind, spirit without the fear to say or hear "I love you" yeah, i gotta go surely i gotta move away from where i stand and away from those i stand with so yeah, i gotta go, go go

one walk forward two no returning three take new road four leave everything behind five forget everyone six let the dead bury their dead seven a new begining

in a moment of weakness we want to connect we reach out we want, and we want to be wanted so much so that sometimes we forget {so strong the need} that there are distances we should no longer cross-- that there are paths best left to oblivion. But we are weak sometimes, and our hearts want and blinds and truth is blurred ... but logic must take the reigns and drive the walk and guide the heart and manage wants and weakness-- and call on courage to reach true destination ...

"What you allow, is what will continue." : Author unknown Ultimately the past is but an instant ... a fleeting dream that's gone forever--and with it go people, places, things ... The trick is to let go of them. It's the future that is long and full of promise!

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; while loving someone deeply gives you courage." : Lao Tzu