Purgation
yeah-- purgation is really the best word to use ... it's been a painful process of really looking at myself, my weaknesses, my walls, my defense mechanisms ... more than sheer introspection, it has been a process of opening all the wounds that wouldn't heal--lifting all the neatly laid out bandages, shedding all the old skin ... really, lifting myself out of the mud that has been keeping me in stagnation ... tired of the occasional glimmer of light that always seemed to take me back to the same dark spot; asking myself tirelessly the same questions; wondering why i wasn't happy asking why i couldn't connect -- always the fleeting moment of passion, the physically satisfying sexual encounter that meant nothing more than satisfying a bodily need; the attractions that went nowhere; the love that never materialized ... yeah, tired of living a lie to myself, denying my unhappiness and pretending to those around me that everything was OK, that I was happy ... and the effort of hiding my loneliness and isolation had become second nature--and so settling for less than happiness, settling for less than fulfillment ...
and so I guess that the catalyst to making change was falling in love with someone and yet not being able to connect, feeling my emotions turn off at the moment when I needed them most--yet not understanding what was happening ...
It took a while ... the happy-go-lucky time of my youth where nothing mattered ... the loosely coupled relationships that had not meaning--the "sex buddies as partners" that seemed to fill the void -- to then realizing that I wanted more but couldn't really do more ... feeling like I wanted to connect but unable to and even then allowing relationships to take their course with guys who I "pretended" to care for ... all the trappings of an emotionally sustainable relationship were there: sex, affection, companionship -- I had learned to play the game, I thought -- and yet, dissatisfied with it all ... loosing interest; eventually not caring; going through the motions, the unsatisfying sexual games, the unsatisfying affectionate gestures, the monotony of the companionship -- yet pretending and wondering if this was it ...
but so, it wasn't ... and it took some courage to admit it, to take the façade away, to really look at all my shit, deconstructed and live it to see what was going on ...
and no, it wasn't "self hatred" or "feeling unworthy of love" as some so easily labeled it, nor the quaint "emotionally unavailable" nor "fear of abandonment" nor my all time favorite, "fear of intimacy" ... it was none of that bullshit ... it was deeper and simpler ...
years of denial had me at a place where love was simply a weakness, a familiar echo from those around me had solidified the idea; the experiences of an idyllically yet lonely childhood had taught me to shut it all off ... there was no one around to give to or to take it from ... the stoicism of my "emotional models" only made it that much easier to shut it all off, to keep it off ... it had no place in my life ... well, until fairly recently when I fell for this guy--my feelings are deep, real ... the attraction was both physical, emotional, intellectual ... yet, around him, near him, I felt nothing! Everything was sublimated into an intellectual exercise, analysis ... my feeling nowhere to be found -- and I was not even aware of this, all feelings would tumble over me afterwards I would ask myself "What happened? why did that happen?" but again, facile answers: maybe I don't really feel anything, maybe it's just an idealized fantasy; we're just buddies, friends, that's it ... but the time came when I had to make a decision ...
I believe he was moving in a direction that I wasn't ready for emotionally ... i could see it coming like a train wreck ... he wanted more, expected more (and I'm sure if I were to confront him with this he would deny it vehemently) ... but I couldn't give more ... and what's worse, I didn't know why ... and things "felt" right and wrong at the same time ... my trusty "gut feelings" were failing ... my intuition told gave me conflicting signals ... and, not understanding what was going on, I disengaged. And for some time I felt nothing ... it was like getting off the bus and going home-- a familiar routine ... experiencing the moment was not within my reach quite yet
And I thought about it and saw how that made not sense ... how can i not feel anything? The only think I felt at the time was a great sense of guilt at hurting this guy--I'm sure he didn't understand what happened ... and in all honesty, neither did I ... on that particular day i was determined to move things forward, to finally take the jump ... but in his place, I was cold, emotionless--no feelings, no attraction, no interest ... and I cared way too much for him to play the pretend game ... and where would that take me, anyway? nowhere! I would get bored as would he ...
It took some time ... of course, this was not a "eureka" moment ... this understanding had been playing itself out for some time, accelerated by physical ailments, therapy and the spiritual experiences I chose to undertake and with help from a number of people, most importantly this one guy, losing him; losing my job; and forcing myself to finally face my wickedest demons ... my life was not in a good place for a while ... some glimmers of fulfillment and contentment here and there, but not happiness, relying on the wrong people--people who didn't really know me, and tried, perhaps well meaning, to provide advice ... and I didn't quite know myself well enough to understand the whys until it all came crumbling down -- the catharsis really!
But it is such a freeing feeling to have gone through all that pain--yes, more than two years of painfully examining all open sores and finally realizing why ...
when it comes to human beings, we're a work in progress, I suppose -- the process continues but now I have a solid foundation, a solid understanding of myself ... better armed to deal with emotional and sentimental ties instead of the post-fact sublimation that often occurred ... and this had helped me deal with my family, my friends and I am sure with my partner when I find one ... I feel (and I've been feeling it more and more for some time) equipped to engage emotionally--to give as well as receive love and be vulnerable and not just go through an intellectual exercise -- and I thank this guy, wherever he is-- for helping me get here -- and I hope he too is finding his way to love and a more fulfilling life beyond the occasional XYZ(!)
and so I guess that the catalyst to making change was falling in love with someone and yet not being able to connect, feeling my emotions turn off at the moment when I needed them most--yet not understanding what was happening ...
It took a while ... the happy-go-lucky time of my youth where nothing mattered ... the loosely coupled relationships that had not meaning--the "sex buddies as partners" that seemed to fill the void -- to then realizing that I wanted more but couldn't really do more ... feeling like I wanted to connect but unable to and even then allowing relationships to take their course with guys who I "pretended" to care for ... all the trappings of an emotionally sustainable relationship were there: sex, affection, companionship -- I had learned to play the game, I thought -- and yet, dissatisfied with it all ... loosing interest; eventually not caring; going through the motions, the unsatisfying sexual games, the unsatisfying affectionate gestures, the monotony of the companionship -- yet pretending and wondering if this was it ...
but so, it wasn't ... and it took some courage to admit it, to take the façade away, to really look at all my shit, deconstructed and live it to see what was going on ...
and no, it wasn't "self hatred" or "feeling unworthy of love" as some so easily labeled it, nor the quaint "emotionally unavailable" nor "fear of abandonment" nor my all time favorite, "fear of intimacy" ... it was none of that bullshit ... it was deeper and simpler ...
years of denial had me at a place where love was simply a weakness, a familiar echo from those around me had solidified the idea; the experiences of an idyllically yet lonely childhood had taught me to shut it all off ... there was no one around to give to or to take it from ... the stoicism of my "emotional models" only made it that much easier to shut it all off, to keep it off ... it had no place in my life ... well, until fairly recently when I fell for this guy--my feelings are deep, real ... the attraction was both physical, emotional, intellectual ... yet, around him, near him, I felt nothing! Everything was sublimated into an intellectual exercise, analysis ... my feeling nowhere to be found -- and I was not even aware of this, all feelings would tumble over me afterwards I would ask myself "What happened? why did that happen?" but again, facile answers: maybe I don't really feel anything, maybe it's just an idealized fantasy; we're just buddies, friends, that's it ... but the time came when I had to make a decision ...
I believe he was moving in a direction that I wasn't ready for emotionally ... i could see it coming like a train wreck ... he wanted more, expected more (and I'm sure if I were to confront him with this he would deny it vehemently) ... but I couldn't give more ... and what's worse, I didn't know why ... and things "felt" right and wrong at the same time ... my trusty "gut feelings" were failing ... my intuition told gave me conflicting signals ... and, not understanding what was going on, I disengaged. And for some time I felt nothing ... it was like getting off the bus and going home-- a familiar routine ... experiencing the moment was not within my reach quite yet
And I thought about it and saw how that made not sense ... how can i not feel anything? The only think I felt at the time was a great sense of guilt at hurting this guy--I'm sure he didn't understand what happened ... and in all honesty, neither did I ... on that particular day i was determined to move things forward, to finally take the jump ... but in his place, I was cold, emotionless--no feelings, no attraction, no interest ... and I cared way too much for him to play the pretend game ... and where would that take me, anyway? nowhere! I would get bored as would he ...
It took some time ... of course, this was not a "eureka" moment ... this understanding had been playing itself out for some time, accelerated by physical ailments, therapy and the spiritual experiences I chose to undertake and with help from a number of people, most importantly this one guy, losing him; losing my job; and forcing myself to finally face my wickedest demons ... my life was not in a good place for a while ... some glimmers of fulfillment and contentment here and there, but not happiness, relying on the wrong people--people who didn't really know me, and tried, perhaps well meaning, to provide advice ... and I didn't quite know myself well enough to understand the whys until it all came crumbling down -- the catharsis really!
But it is such a freeing feeling to have gone through all that pain--yes, more than two years of painfully examining all open sores and finally realizing why ...
when it comes to human beings, we're a work in progress, I suppose -- the process continues but now I have a solid foundation, a solid understanding of myself ... better armed to deal with emotional and sentimental ties instead of the post-fact sublimation that often occurred ... and this had helped me deal with my family, my friends and I am sure with my partner when I find one ... I feel (and I've been feeling it more and more for some time) equipped to engage emotionally--to give as well as receive love and be vulnerable and not just go through an intellectual exercise -- and I thank this guy, wherever he is-- for helping me get here -- and I hope he too is finding his way to love and a more fulfilling life beyond the occasional XYZ(!)