wondering ...

I don't understand it myself ... I keep looking at it from different angles, trying to understand and I can't ... this was a unique experience for me ... not the typical game, not the typical disengaged experience ... this one took all I had ... but one questions remains unanswered for me ... why was there no move to intimacy on my part? what kept blocking the action despite the desire? Opportunities were many ... sexual roles complimented each other ... physical attraction was strong on both parts ... and yet there was something that prevented more from happening? fear? mutual fear at first maybe ... then on my part mostly-- atypical behavior -- I never had a problem being forward and aggressive verbally or physically with guys-- but not with this guy-why? what was different? he's clearly a submissive pussy when it comes to sex so why did I not pursue? what about him changed my behavior? why was physical closeness with him so difficult that it never happened?
It wasn't what he said about not being attracted to me and such-- I always knew that was bullshit-- so then what? was a kind of panic then? ... but of what? how deep was the fear that it led to complete inertia ... and we played out a sort of pretense ... closeness but no sex, intimacy but no sex, a non-relationship ... was the deep emotional/psychic bond AKA "love" we were both experiencing so foreign to us that we (or maybe just me) couldn't handle it--didn't know how to handle it? preferred instead to seek sexual intimacy elsewhere afraid of a deeper bond? and sabotaging it each time with stupid actions--him with his long term, emotionally un-fulfilling FWB relationship that he knows is his dysfunctional, emotionally stagnant crutch that is preventing him from finding an emotional gratifying relationship, me using that as an excuse to not engage and seeking casual sex elsewhere, the ordinary excuses, and ultimately me running away ... I wonder what the real reason is--the complexities ... maybe time will reveal it.