Self Mockery

These days I make fun of myself ... sometimes I even mock the innocence with which I face things. For example, a couple of weeks ago I decided to dedicate myself to make radical changes in my life ... to rid myself of so many things that so far have been overwhelming me ... so many things that are part of past yet I was carrying them along ... I had already been shedding several of those things... even more so those that were burdening me for years ... so much time has passed since those events, and I was still carrying them along so neatly packed, that they were almost part of me; and I had to work intensely even to just identify them - and make a much bigger effort to get rid of them ... or at least distance myself from them enough to diminish their toxicity and see them or what they were.

I also wanted to release some feelings that I had assumed I'd eradicated completely, sublimated them beyond the conscious and the subconscious ... but I realized that my efforts were to no avail--those feelings are still very alive and challenging me, mocking me ... they make fun of me for having refused to accept them, for having recognized them and, instead of allowing them to be, trying to sublimate them, trying to let go of them, leave them behind, thinking I could suppress them ... they now tease me, and their strength grows, their presence not fleeting as I once thought ... as it turns out, they were a part of me all along- a seed waiting to germinate on that one day ... now they show their true power ... a mixture of love and desire and affection and a protective instinct, almost maternal ... so much uncovered ... on days like today they become strong beyond belief ... it's an energy that exceeds the limits of my body and my senses