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reality conjured by mirrors a staged life trapped in uncontrolled desires re-enacting past pains to derive pleasures-- love transformed into unsatisfying lust the desolate loneliness of suppressed emotions denial learned in sullen solitude now stuck in a waiting game- waiting, waiting, begging to be desired with love forgotten, ignored, unknown waiting, waiting, no time no time, must be free to be had and loaded waiting waiting for that fleeting high where he feels wanted, if just for a moment ... only to replay the dance

not listening to my intuition not listening to my heart letting my lust for another keep me from reaching out to you using lust to escape from my feelings letting perception get in the way denying my feelings to myself -letting them stagnate being with someone I didn't care for because it was easy not understanding my frustration (see previous line) letting my frustration get the better of me pretending that I don't need/want your affection "controlling" my desire for you not letting myself love you the way I want to not loving you the way I know you need/want to be loved.

in the mathematics of love, the senses multiply—arms are added to legs, lips to neck, lips against lips results in a hunger, tongue against burning tongue hands run the surface of the body—a magic rhythm of hidden desires igniting nerves, exploring thighs, muscles stretch an contract, curves are discovered, unknown angles found hidden yearnings come to life the sexes are lost in mysterious depths burning bodies fueled by their own fires distill magnetic energies — and matter is confused in irradiant delights we get lost in this eternity there’s no you or I in this equation--

stop the song playing in your head. fear to face the face ... fear to reach out ... fear to open up ... aha! fear to be opened up ... fear that too much will happen ... fear that nothing will happen ... fear of trusting ... fear to lose control ... fear of silence, fear of talking ... silence ...  fear of wanting too much, not wanting enough ... fear of not being wanted ... fear of the intensity of it all ... fear of the fear itself ... stop the song playing in your head. stop ... dodge ... revert ... retrace ... re-start ... re-invent disarm the self ... take the walls down ... remain silent ... refrain from action ... don't react ... don't run ... embrace the fear ... eat it up ... take the wall down again ... now ... stop the song playing in your head. let go ... don't hold on too tight ... this is not what was ...  let those pieces go ... move outside that circle ... let the pieces fall ... pick up brand new pieces ... close your eyes ... walk ahead ... talk ...

spent time with a very lonely friend today -- it was his birthday -- he complained about his loneliness to me but at the same time talked about his constant search for sexual satisfaction and described what appeared to be his near helplessness when offered sex ... sex is his palliative for loneliness, sadness, depression, lack of closeness, lack of relationship ... it made me wonder if this is a typical thing for many gay men who, after having been abused as children either sexually or otherwise, found sexual gratification an escape ... he is not the only one I know who fits this category .... for so many gay men I've met, sex is a way to connect to people yet remain disconnected ... The Fourteen Characteristics of a Sexual Compulsive These are the characteristics most seem to have in common: As adolescents, we used fantasy and compulsive masturbation to avoid feelings , and continued this tendency into our adult lives with compulsive sex. Compulsive sex b...

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence: Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss." Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior. Excuses  – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior —anything to avoid taking responsibility. "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time. Fantasy and planning – Your abuser ...