The cycle of violence in domestic abuse
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:
Abuse
– Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or
violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is
boss."- Guilt – After abusing you, your
partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried
about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his
abusive behavior.
- Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
- "Normal" behavior — The abuser
does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the
relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on
the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that
the abuser has really changed this time.
- Fantasy and planning – Your
abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of
time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay.
Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
- Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in
between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may
make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that
things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you.
However, the dangers of staying are very real.
General warning signs of domestic abuse
People who are being abused may:
- Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
- Go along with everything their partner says and does.
- Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
- Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
- Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.
Warning signs of physical violence
People who are being physically abused may:
- Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
- Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
- Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).
Warning signs of isolation
People who are being isolated by their abuser may:
- Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
- Rarely go out in public without their partner.
- Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.
The psychological warning signs of abuse
People who are being abused may:
- Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
- Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
- Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.